Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
