Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
