Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
