weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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