and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
