I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
