my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
