Your face is a jimmy john
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
