remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have aggressive nipples.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
