im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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