positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
