I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
