all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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