dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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