Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
