Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
