I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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