Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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