you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
