I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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