the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
