Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
