Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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