The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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