Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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