Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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