brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
