Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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