I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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