I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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