He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
