He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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