i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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