You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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