Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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