I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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