I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
