I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
