If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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