Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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