Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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