i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
