it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
