why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
