did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
