sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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