I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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