watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
