i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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