I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
